Being stuck all alone at night unable to sleep has really done some work on my thoughts.
Today is the two year anniversary for Chris and I. Seems like it has been much longer that we have been together, but not that long at the same time, it is wierd. We have been happy and very sure of our love, but being appart has made us both soo much more appreciative. There are soo many things I could have and should have been doing as a wife. I really feel like this time apart is making us both stronger indivually so we can work better together. I am also getting to see how much he did help out despite my constant complaints. I have changed a lot as a person, and there really is no need for it. Inside of me is a fun/loving/caring person. I used to laugh every day...even when things were the worst they could be. I alway had a philosophy that things could be worse so I had to be happy. Growing up with an alcoholic mother gave me some perspectives that I didn't need at such a young age, and did in turn make me more mature before I should have been. That doesn't mean I need to be old now. Chris says he is happy with me, but I cannot help but think about the girl he fell in love with 4 yrs ago. The girl that played off knowing who he was and did lots of dorky things to impress him to only end up running into a large cement ashtray when looking at his butt instead of where she was going. I miss that girl, I think he goes too. Between kids and money issues and just life changes I let the lighter side of me go. I ended up now with the bare minimum for friends and just running a day to day for a life. That is not how it is meant to be. Looking at things in the perspective that God wants us to be happy while being responsible is something I need to remember now. I am going to find fun yet responsible Lori and bring her out again. There is no need to worry day in and day out and surely no need to pass all that on to those around me.
Look out folks Old Lori minus the daily teenager mistakes is coming back! You will soon be amused by me and entertained by Chris stealing my jokes. Uptight "don't do this and don't do that" lori is getting packed up and moved out.
I state this here b/c I need help with this. I want to be a happier, healthier, better person. That is who I need to be, and who I believe God intended for me to be, not this person I have been acting like lately! Pray for it, let me know when I get too uptight!
~*~Lori Jean, new and improved~*~
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2 comments:
Happy Anniversary!!!
People always say marriage changes thing but I disagree! I believe what changes things the most is kids plus the stress of being the adult (money problems, decisions, etc.). I know I've been stressed out at times more than others and then that no fun stressed out attitude spills over into my family. I think my source is a lack of trust in God and the need to figure out/do it myself! Jason is always telling me to trust God and I am always going so how are we going to make it?
I do believe that are attitude is our choice. I heard this message the other day where this person was praying more for the fruit of the spirti - love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control. The person said you don't need to pray for those things you just need to pray that you'll act in those things. He was saying that all those things are inside of us it's just up to us to use them. Here's the example he gave, Whenever some situation arises to say I choose to act in __________ (insert one). Then follow through. I think it was some great advice and I hope I can use it in my own life.
Lately I think I have been complaining too much about being a mommy. Understand that I love being a mommy and would never want to be at work instead of here with them, but some days I am overdone!But you know Noah is old enough to understand what I am saying. So when I say stuff like you guys are driving me crazy. He knows and that breaks my heart. I want them to grow up knowing how much I loved being at home with them everyday and a part of their lives. So when I feel overwhelmed I need to take a breather (walk out of the room if need be) and then make the choice to act in love and patience. Still learning this one obviously! I just wish I would have responded differently when he was younger and then this wouldn't be a situation now.
Anyways I can relate so much to what you've wrote here. Because I have been consumed at times with worry over different life situations. One thing I do know for sure is that worry does sap my joy.
Just know that life will not be perfect. There will be bumps (problems) and dirt roads (things to slow your plans down) along the way but we can choose to be happy and trust in God no matter what. Honestly nothing in this life matters except our love for people. I'm still trying to truly learn all this and still trying to adapt my attitude to it :)
So from your work in progress friend,
April :)
Sorry I wrote you a book -- just had a lot to say (as usual!)
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